The Joyful Widower

After one of the premarital counseling sessions Melinda and I had with Fr. Stephen Freeman, he commented as we were leaving that, barring the unusual circumstances where a husband and wife die together, one spouse will survive the other. He certainly didn’t need to repeat it later when Tracy and I met with him for premarital counseling–the reality was inescapable. I don’t know how many people have that conversation as part of their premarital counseling. Discussions about Myers-Briggs personality types, families of origin, past relationships, habits about finances, ideas about child rearin’, those are all the usual topics, but I’d be curious to know how many clergy bring up the topic of death as part of premarital counseling. Yes, it’s not a romantic topic, but marriage is more than romance, it is about the spouses’ salvation, and there are realities to marriage that must be faced or else it’s nothing but a futile attempt at a fairy tale.

Years ago I saw a recipe for toast said, “toast the bread until it’s burned, then go back 15 seconds.” If you haven’t invented the time machine, then leaving something until you’re in crisis is not a serious plan, because there is no going back to an earlier point in time. And marriage, more than almost anything else, does need serious planning.

So, for my married friends who may not have given this much thought, here is my (not exhaustive) list of things to pay attention to and to do something about, if you haven’t already.

• Make a will
  Melinda and I never got around to making our wills, and it added some (not insurmountable) difficulties, primarily around selling her house. We lived in the house she had inherited from her mother. The title was solely in her name, so I had no rights to it. We bought a new house in February, and found a buyer for our old house, scheduled to close at the end of April. Her death happened on April 22, just 8 days before closing. In the mercies of God, her sister (as executrix in the will Melinda made at age 18) was able to open probate and handle the sale of the house on time. The odds of getting caught in such a situation are slim, but not zero. Meet with an attorney to execute a will. Don’t use a do-it-yourself kit; would you do surgery on yourself? Lawyers know things that we laypeople don’t, and can make sure the language is properly crafted.
• Plan for guardianship of your minor children
  Right after our daughter was born, Tracy and I met with our attorney to specify in our wills our daughter’s godparents as guardians in the event we both died before she attained the age of majority, and we made sure the language specified “all children”, so we wouldn’t have to redo the wills after the birth of each child. Consider that you almost always travel together; all it takes is one accident taking out both parents, and your children will then need to live with guardians. Don’t put your children in the situation where the court has to appoint someone, or in the situation (if there are dysfunctional family dynamics) where the children are left hanging while relatives slug it out over claims to take guardianship. Talk with each other about who you want to take care of your children and make it explicit in your will.
• Consider a backup on your healthcare power of attorney
  If you and your spouse are in an accident, and one dies while the other is incapacitated, who would make medical decisions on the survivor’s behalf? Choose someone you trust, then discuss with your attorney about setting this up.
• Buy life insurance
  One of the most insulting things I’ve heard around this topic is that it’s little better than gambling or playing the lottery. Believe me when I tell you as a recipient of life insurance benefits, I didn’t win anything. What life insurance benefits can do, however, is cover the lost income from taking a leave of absence from work. I was able to take six months after Tracy’s death to take care of my children and myself, to get us each into counseling, and to deal with all the legal and financial dreck that needed to be done. That was a full-time job. If your life depends on the income of the deceased spouse, having that income replacement can buy you breathing space to figure out how you’re going to restructure your life. In hindsight I wish that I had taken an extended leave after Melinda’s death, because “widow brain” is a thing, and the fog takes months to clear.
• Know where things are
  Where are all the bank accounts? Who do I call in the event of your death? What’s the life insurance policy number? What is your employer’s contact information? What’s the PIN for your phone (it was a relief when I guessed this)? How do I get to all the photos of the children that are stored in your cloud account (I got to this circuitously, when I guessed the phone PIN, and then from the phone was able to reset Tracy’s cloud password)? These were conversations Tracy and I never really had because we didn’t “get around to it,” but life would have been easier if I’d had some of those answers in hand. If you can’t trust your spouse with your information, that might indicate deeper conversations that need to be had. Put together a document with “in case of my death” information and have it stored somewhere your spouse or estate executor can lay their hands on it when needed, be it in a fire-proof safe at home or with your attorney. Don’t forget to update the document as things change.
• Establish “legacy contacts” for your online accounts
  “Legacy contact” may go by different names on different platforms, but essentially this is a person or people you can designate formally on your phone or social media accounts who can, after your death, present a copy of your death certificate and then gain access to curate the data as you would wish (access your cloud files, memorialize your Facebook page so that nobody can post in your name but friends can still read posts and see photos, or close a social media account and delete it). Think about what you want done with your online presence and whom you can trust to carry out your wishes after your death, and if possible have a backup in case something happens to your first choice.
• Build a solid support community before you need it
  Of course, my first choice would be to establish roots in the church, but I recognize not all my readers would choose that. Whatever you do choose, you’re going to need a solid circle of friends who can help you bear up in bereavement. Bearing the cross of marriage in widowhood is not something you can do alone, and I treasure the friends who have helped me in innumerable ways.
• Befriend a widower or widow
  Not that I have a vested interest in this <grin>. Get to know someone who has gone through losing their spouse. They can give you a perspective on what it’s like and what they wish they had done before losing their spouse. If you’re going to live life as a married person, you need to embrace the whole of it, not just the pleasant bits.

Think about your own circumstances and what you would need if your spouse died tomorrow and vice-versa. Have those conversations, make plans specific to you, and act on them. What better way to show your love for one another than to have preparations for the one who has to live through surviving the other?