The Joyful Widower

There are a few seminary moments etched so clearly in my mind, times that I received a real pearl of wisdom. One of the most important was the day when the Rev. Dr. Walter Eversley summed up a point he was making with, “I am a priest. I am not a psychotherapist. It is not my job to say, ‘how do you feel?’ It is my job to say the God words. It is my job to say, ‘let us read together Psalm such-and-such. Let us pray.’ Do you understand what I am saying?”

That is not to say that pastoral care is all that matters and that therapy is not useful. Rather, they are two different things that can be mutually beneficial.

Working with a therapist can bring to light feelings and behaviors that are, at best, hindrances to our functioning and to our relationships, and at worst, downright destructive. A therapist can help you find ways of modifying behaviors to change your circumstances. But just as our persons don’t perfectly divide into separate compartments of soul and spirit, neither will most attempts to heal the person divide into perfectly separated solutions.

True confession time: I’m horrible at making confession. I hate that feeling of waiting for my turn and knowing that I’ve got to put into words things that I’ve done.

“Why do you need to go to auricular confession? Can’t you just confess your sins to God directly and he’ll forgive them?” Yes, God forgives the moment we turn to Him. The problem is, unless we put things into actual words, it’s easy to sidestep real confession. “God, I’m sorry for ‘all the bad things I’ve done.’” Did you really look at what you’ve done? Or did you try to just sweep it all out in one unexamined pile?

Sacramental confession is not “get out of jail free,” though it has often been derisively referred to as such. When it is well done, it is like visiting the doctor, where you detail your symptoms and the doctor works with you to devise a cure.

“Why should I confess my sins to a priest? Isn’t that putting the priest in the place of God?” No, not at all. In Orthodoxy, confession is made standing in front of an icon of Christ. The penitent is facing Christ, telling him the things that he or she has done. I find it a very real reminder that, one day, I will stand face-to-face with him to give an account of my life. The priest is alongside as a witness. When the penitent finishes their confession, the priest can give counsel and sometimes some sort of penance, though I prefer the word “obedience,” something for the penitent to do, not to earn favor or to endure as a punishment, but more in the lines of medicine for the spirit, something to heal the wound that sin has caused. Finally, the penitent kneels in front of the icon of Christ, the priest puts his stole on the penitent’s head, and uses the authority given to him by Christ to pronounce absolution, to cut the spiritual ties between the penitent and his or her sin. Some of the most profound moments of asking for and receiving the mercy of God have been precisely those times that I am covered by the priest’s stole.

James 5:16 says, “Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.” (KJV) How many of us are really ready to do what scripture says, to confess in front of another person? A priest hearing confession represents the church, and is charged with never revealing the substance of confessions that he hears. When the priest pronounces absolution, it is with the authority given him by Christ. It is one thing to know in my head that God forgives my sins, it is another to hear the words spoken, to receive that truth from the lips of another.

This past year, working through grief, I have been better (I won’t say good, but better) about going to confession. There are so many aspects of marriage that were unfinished when Tracy died suddenly. It’s not a one-and-done thing, either. As time passes, as I gain perspective on things, I discover places in my heart that I need to bring to God for confession. Meeting with a therapist has helped in this process. As I discuss thoughts and feelings with my therapist, some of my sinful patterns become clearer so I can take them to confession. And in making confession, I see thoughts and feelings that I can take to my therapist to work out healthy ways to deal with them. It’s seeing multiple specialists, each with their own field of expertise, to find and heal places in me that need it.

I’m grateful to God for both a wise and kind confessor, and for a very intuitive and perceptive counselor. There’s still a long way to go (as we all have, until we draw our last breath!), but with God’s help the journey continues.